When Football Meets Reality, a Brief Manifesto in Three Parts

Part 1: A Short Morality Play

You know the typical Sunday-morning or Monday-morning conversation between two rabid football fans:  whining, bragging and complaining about the game.   Now, imagine for a moment what that conversation would be like it one of those stereotypical football fans was replaced by a rational human being.

Rabid Fan: Did you see that game?  We sure whooped ‘um!

Rational Human: I didn’t know you played football for (insert name of college or university).

Rabid Fan: Oh, I don’t.

Rational Human: You went to school there?

Rabid Fan: Uh, no.

Rational Human: You used to play for them?

Rabid Fan: Uh, no.

Rational Human: Your son plays for them, maybe?

Rabid Fan: Uh, no.  Why do you ask?

Rational Human: But you “whooped ‘um”?

Rabid Fan: Yeah, we sure did!

Part 2, A Modern Proverb

The shortest path to misery is basing your self esteem on the outcome of an event over which you have no control.

Part 3, A Mantra

Breath slowly and deeply and repeat:

It’s just a football game, and I’m not playing*

* Unless, of course, you are playing.  In which case, get out there and whoop ‘um.

Epilogue

And don’t even get me started about professional football.  Why should I care whether a corporation’s group of overpaid employee-athletes wins a contest against another corporation’s group of overpaid employee-athletes?

Food Drives Ain’t What They Used To Be

Food Drive Donations

My employer, who shall remain nameless, is having a food drive like so many businesses, schools, churches and other organizations.  A few days into the food drive, I happened to take a look in the collection box in the break room on my floor.  Among the 10 or so items in the box were:

• Organic Sauerkraut
• Starbucks Coffee
• Clam Chowder

Call me old-fashioned, but to me this just doesn’t seem right.  A food drive should concentrate on the basics:  cans of fruit and vegetables, soup (chicken noodle an the like), beans, pasta, rice, boxed side dishes, and other staples.  Somehow, I don’t think people looking for a little extra help with groceries at this time of the year are looking for sauerkraut and premium coffee.

I have some experience with this.  When I was younger, my dad worked with the benevolence ministry at church.  My brother and I went with him sometimes.  In particular, I remember one Christmas Eve–or maybe Christmas Eve Eve, it’s been a long time–that we spent most of the day gathering cans and boxes from the church’s pantry, buying other items at Big Brothers, and then delivering groceries to several needy families.  As a young boy, it was an eye-opening experience–delivering help to families who were in want of even the basics.

But, Clam Chowder?  In a food drive?  Well, perhaps in these modern times anything is possible.

I like the way my church, Madison Church of Christ, organizes food drives.  There is a list of items for a Thanksgiving meal: corn, dressing, gravy, etc.  Families who want to help do so by buying the items on the list and bringing them to the church building.  Other people contribute money which goes to a meat voucher for each bag.  This means each family gets food they really need.

However, in the end, I guess it’s the thought that count.  I guess that someone, somewhere, is hoping for Starbucks coffee for Christmas.

Christmas Music On November 1? Enough already.

I was in Wal-Mart today doing the weekly marketing and

What to my wondering ears did appear
but an worn-out Christmas song no one wanted to hear.

It was I’ll be Home for Christmas.  Ironically, I was buying hot chocolate mix at the time.  (Swiss Miss as recommended by Cooks Illustrated.)  I also heard Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer and the Hallelujah Chorus (When did that become a Christmas song?)

I guess now that Halloween is over, it’s time for Christmas merchandise and Christmas music.  I remember when we didn’t have to start dealing with non-stop Christmas until after Thanksgiving.  Those were the good old days.

Who is it anyway that wants to hear Christmas music in early November?  No one that I know; at least no one who will admit it.  It’s like fruitcake–no one you know wants one but stores seem to think every one wants at least a dozen.

I’m not opposed to Christmas music.  I like it just as much as the next guy–unless the next guy is Burl Ives.  But, when you are saturated with it for so much of the year it becomes annoying, just like a Top 40 song in heavy rotation.  Or, at least for me, a Top 40 song in any rotation.

So people, let’s unite to over-throw the tyrannical conspiracy to devalue Christmas music by forcing it upon us non-stop.  Let’s stand up and fight to redeem our musical heritage.  Let’s barge into the stores and Muzak offices and shout to the ceilings “Enough is Enough” until they relent in their mind-numbing quest.

But, you first.